The last two months have been ginormous breaking waves one after another of every emotion. I’m still here — alive and breathing. Having no visitors means I’ve opened the front door to our house once in the past two months. I’ve forgotten what my ringtone sounds like and never have a need to look at my phone anymore. Summer vacation plans with others disappeared. I forget what family should look like. I lost my identity. With every random email, letter, or text anxiety and fear flood me. Anger daily sweeps in as I fight to become bitter. Daily I’m hurt and broken from people who say they love me.
God never left. Every morning God has intentionally been calling me closer to Him. He invites me into plans of rest and peace in Him. He speaks truth daily of who I really am and my identity in Him. God is being my family. God reminds me of His love for me that is unchangeable and nothing can separate. I always have to smile after that. Kindly He shows me the log in my own eye and how I’m only in control of myself, my behavior. He will handle the rest much better than me. He is turning all those emotions into joy as I forgive and love like He forgives and loves me.
“Then the God who lifts up the downcast lifted our heads and our hearts. I went from worry to tranquility in no time! Now I’m glad—not that I was hurt, mistreated, unloved, judged, persecuted— but that I was jarred into turning myself around. I let the distress bring me to God, not drive me from Him. I will never regret that kind of pain. I’m more alive, more concerned, more sensitive, more reverent, more human, more passionate, more responsible, more loving, more humble, more forgiving, more the person God wants me to be.” – 2 Corinthians 7:7-9, MSG
He is breaking me and the pain is hard. It’s wonderful. And that is what God was hoping for in the first place.