How do you eloquently capture the beautiful moments, the hard conversations, the bumps and the blessings that have shaped the things that establish a relationship and form a couple and all the little things that have happened in 10 years? Could you do it – define your marriage story in a nutshell? I hope for my sake that it would be a bit challenging.
While I know there’s so much and I’ll never be able to tell it all, the stories shared here will hopefully shed a bit of light on how it’s been and what makes up these two brokenly bonded hearts. And with a jumbled mess, we are establishing a clean slate, if you will of leaving the past in the past and moving forward.
Not quite sure what it looks like, but this blog will be a memoir of sorts, to give you, the reader a look into how we’ve gotten to this place.
Over the years, our loved ones have prodded and given their opinion on My Love and I’s peculiar “friendship” or whatever it looks like on the outside. Most have inquired gently and asked the questions, all of which were covered with blanketed lies – things that were necessary at the time to maintain our secret identity until the burden was too heavy and things had to change.
We weren’t ready to come to this place of honesty until nearly a year ago. One late Friday night, we looked over our lives and the story we created together and realized the magnitude of our commitment and that we were it to each other. Nora Ephron writes that when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. In looking further, we saw that we were ultimately stuck. Standing still. And it was unfair. In the beginning of our love, we were really good at throwing caution to the wind, never thinking what the future could hold and only living in the passion of the moment and the love that had sparked. But over the years the burden of that caution weighed heavier and heavier and we realized we couldn’t cast it off so flippantly any longer. We matured, grew up.
As I’ve said before, we never considered our sexuality to be anything different but simply knew we were in love with each other. I always reconciled it, in a fumbled attempt to make sense of it all by stating that I wasn’t a lesbian, I was just in love with My Love. The gay community was scary to us and something we knew was lost and wrong. But how much of that perception was based on projections from the Church and on inexperience?
In a desperate search for others who loved like us, we slowly began to seek out things that the gay community offered – television shows, articles, blogs. It brought a surprising amount of scary comfort. Our views started to change. There is something so pivotal about seeing those who are struggling with the world to accept the one their in love with and watching many of the same battles being won that we were facing. And it hit home. And it was comforting. And it is important. I believe this can happen to anyone who is scared/unfamiliar with a particular community. When you begin to engage them, see how they got to where they are and hear their stories, your heart can start changing and you understand them even more.
I still don’t know where I am with my sexual identity and feel a bit stuck between two worlds. On one hand, there’s the sweet Gospel I’ve fallen in love with – this idea of grace and love and all things big and beautiful but it falls short of my love, at least that’s what the pastor on Sunday morning tells me. On the other hand, there’s more people than I can count whose main ideal is acceptance and tolerance and off the bat, it’s a bit difficult to see Jesus in it. But it’s there and times are changing. Churches are developing a posture of acceptance but are they churches that I’ve known throughout the years? They’re still churches none the less. And the community they’re a part of welcomes us anyways.
We’re stumbling through this path of finding out who we are individually and as a couple and where our faith plays a part in that. It’s terrifying and agonizing and something on my heart and mind every single day but I believe with all my being that God knows best. That My Love and I are fearfully and wonderfully made. That we are purposed and important and most importantly, loved. And that, for today, is enough.